Derren Brown is a Malevolent Supervillain
Date: 07/05/2014
The Mysterious Mr. Brown
I'm a big admirer of Derren Brown. He's managed to convince 99% of people that he's simply a stage conjurer who uses a combination of psychology, hypnotism and good old-fashioned misdirection in order to give people a good time.
This is in fact a lie, and I know this because I'm the 1% who long ago figured out that the whole "modern Houdini of Psychology" shtick is actually just a front for his real goal, which is to take over the world.
Trust me, I'm a bit of an expert on villains, and I've seen every James Bond film at least three times if not more; I know what I'm talking about! By the time you've finished reading this, you'll be convinced that there is a man behind the curtain of the big floaty head of Derren Brown*, and that man wants to subjugate humanity to his every whim.
*I'm not saying that Derren Brown has an abnormally big head, not at all. Saying that, have you seen the size of it?!
I remember the first time I ever saw him on TV. This crazy-haired man with quite a nice suit on going around and being terribly polite to people while doing really nasty things. He went into a dog race and managed to recoup a whole bunch of winnings with a losing ticket. As he said in the show, once the lady behind the counter has given you the money, they cannot ask for it back. I wonder if she lost her job? Or how about the poor sod he walked up to and stole the watch, wallet and neck-tie off of while bamboozling him with misdirection?
The Brown Experiments
That was when he was small-time. After that he began experimenting. Anyone remember the time he trapped a man in a real-world video game, scaring the living shite out of them by having hordes of zombies staggering towards him? That was just the tip of the iceberg before he started showing off some real crimes. The man has clearly shown us that he can conduct great acts of infamy that even Auric Goldfinger would be envious of. To name a few:
- He mentally programmed several people to hold up a security guard and steal a lock-box full of cash using a gun.
- He mentally programmed a person to assassinate a celebrity. Not just any celebrity either, but beloved national icon Stephen Fry!
- He rigged the national lottery so he could predict the results, and then told everyone that he'd rigged the national lottery.
- He orchestrated stealing a painting from a private collection and, in true gentleman thief style, announced he would do it beforehand.
- Goad a baying mob into wishing horrible tortures on a man until the point of death, and then reveal to the mob that he was in fact showing them how horrible they are by faking the whole thing.
Derren Brown clearly enjoys manipulating people to his every whim, and thus far he's limited his show-boating to showing off for television and stage. That's grand, assuming that we're seeing the full extent of his work. Which begs the question: what does he get up to off-screen? What nefarious deeds does the man have planned?
The Public Image
Mr. Brown would have us believe, via a series of cleverly orchestrated low-res videos, that he's a regular person outside of television. A really nice guy who appreciates his fans with a great sense of humour and a wicked Stewie from Family Guy impression (note how even his impersonations are of evil characters?).
There's no white cat in Derren's home for him to stroke with sinister intent, but he does have a trained parrot. Its name? Rasputin. You know, the notorious lover and subjugator of the Russian Royal Family (also, undead zombie sorcerer). That's a step away from calling the thing "Stalin" or "Goebbels".
There don't appear to be any obvious death-traps around Derren's home, but he does have a lot of odd taxidermy and things in jars. Buffalo Bill would feel right at home!
Talking about psychopaths, Derren's shown the occasional odd maniacal tendencies too, like the desire to be a really f*cking creepy Russian clown (Pennywise doesn't have shit on Brown). Or to lock himself in a tiny box and pretend to be one of those automated fairground mystics. Or how about driving a nail right up his nose using a hammer? That's a gasser! We're not even broaching some of the publicity materials for his shows.
When he's not toying with humanity like an oversized cat with a mouse, Mr. Brown paints and listens to classical music, the cultured sort of taste that's the hallmark of a good Bond villain, and even more recently he's just decided to say "f*ck it" and go full Bond villain by shaving his head.
Every time Derren Brown comes on television, I fear for what his next trick might be, what malevolent scheme he'll develop in boredom. He's toyed with entire villages and created a miniature apocalypse to screw with one guy, so what's next?
This man is the grand chessmaster - he won chess against nine chess masters at once by having them play each other. That's meta-chess, and the chess players are the pawns.
I'll say this now, when Derren's storm troopers and mind-control slaves take over...I'd like to sign up, sir. I like your style, Mr. Brown. You magnificent bastard.
Here's the bit where I back out completely of this bit of satire to say I'm a great admirer of Mr. Brown's work and this article has no proof whatsoever that he is evil and/or looking to take over the world.