Spammers Say the Most Poetic Things

Image provided by Sam Dyer.

When you run a WordPress-based blog (like this), you have to take measures to ensure that the people commenting are actually people. There are these clever programs that scamper about the web looking for WordPress sites to leave spam comments on. Then, once you’ve got those covered, you have to protect your site against actual people leaving spam comments. Well, I say “people”, but they’re only slightly more competent than the automated programs.

Why all the spam? Search engine optimisation (or “SEO”). That’s one of the latest money-spinners that’s opened up as a market within the last decade or so, and revolves around the art of getting people’s websites to the top of Google (and other search engines, but who the hell uses those? I guess there’s a niche for the paranoid delusional market that worries about “the man” tracking their every move, as that’s the only kind of person I can see using Duck Duck Go). But how to get a website to appear within the top five results without resulting to paying for advertising or actually filling a website with informative, interesting, well-structured content? Links! Google masturbates over links. Get enough links pointing at your site, and it heavily implies that lots of people are linking to you as an authoritative (or popular) source of information¹.

I could go on about SEO, but I’d have to start charging. I’m not giving away the tricks of the trade for free, you know!

What’s this got to do with spam? Everything. You can pick a spam comment out a mile away, as it is the following:

1. Generic and has little to do specifically with what you’ve posted.
2. Comes from someone who is both suspiciously keen on what you’ve posted, but at the same time comes across as less than human.
3. Links to a metric f*ck-tonne of websites that have absolutely nothing to do with what you’re writing about.

So where’s the poetry? Point 2. More often than not, the “person” commenting on your post can barely assemble a sentence in English (probably because it’s been fed through Google Translate or, that classic, Babelfish), and yet these comments can often make for both hilarious and sometimes poetic reading. I present here some of the funnier ones I’ve encountered (not necessarily on my blog, but I can’t disclose my sources!). Some of these are almost approaching Haiku in how abstract they are. I’ll be updating this post with spam comments as and when I find new funny ones².

“Acquaintance is considered the Coptis groenlandica of which neckties the exact kisses with the planet.”

The “Coptis Groenlandica” is a flower, apparently. So being slightly familiar with someone is the flower that wraps around the planet’s snogging?

“If you should is likely to keep the mysterious by means of an opponent, say to the application among the companion”

Having a villain makes you mysterious; tell this to your iPhone apps, which you consider to be amongst your friends (you lonely sod).

“Seriously like, relationship, caution, do not ever merge persons over a familiar hate with regards to a product.”

“Like, seriously? Be careful not to band a whole group of people together just because they’re sheep and all buy the same thing.”

“Joy and happiness is really scent it’s hard to rain buckets relating to other companies without having obtaining a small amount of comes relating to on your own.”

Being happy smells. It’s hard to relate to other people without having the same experiences (wow, I think I got that one!).

“Passion my personal they could be thus hot and furthermore fine, We produce our Shimmer moncler romney womens coat. SOOOOOO several adds to I know We are our products phone proper, LOOOL!”

I don’t know what could be “hot and furthermore fine” in relation to your passion, and I don’t want to know! Also, I didn’t know that Mitt Romney made Moncler coats (guess he has to do something with all that money and time now he’s lost the election). Didn’t quite catch that last bit, but I’m glad one of us found it laugh-out-loud funny.

“i need these particular moncler rodin jacket produce and are also tremendous very good. not difficult to deliver so to wear plus they never find much too warm. they’ve been chic and you’re able to apparel them down or up. might look up the crooks to everyone!!(:”

Wow, I didn’t know Rodin did Moncler jackets too (and I know you need them produced, but you’re asking the wrong guy). Sounds like a popular industry! Especially since they’re apparently not difficult to deliver, which I consider to be very important when ordering a new coat; call me fussy, but if my coat has to arrive on a flat-bed truck then I consider that a failure with the design. I’m quite impressed that you can apparel them up and down, but not to you wanting to look up the burglars who rob everyone.

“Your home is valueble for me. Thanks!…”

Hey! You keep out of my house! I hope you’re not the crooks the last commenter looked up.

“Analysis reveals that some brand names are significantly popular and well-known amongst customers.

The prolonged handle results in the fashionable edge in this handy bag. Reds evoke really billed thoughts these as aggression, risk, or enjoy.

People today are now turning into adept, at discovering everything on the web. [Link to a random website, probably to do with bags]”

Well I imagine that customers would be familiar with the brand names they purchase? I’m not sure how a “prolonged” handle would work in terms of bags, that sounds a bit metaphysical to me. It’s true though, Communists really do evoke billed thoughts of aggression, risk or enjoy in me!

“When some one searches for his vital thing, so he/she wishes to be available that in detail, so that thing is maintained over here.”

Whoah, dude. That’s beautiful. Like manifest destiny or something, yeah? Deep.

“should work as a crossbody for most â€?amazing. Super-flat so it will streamline any outfit, slightly explouis vuitton hlouis vuitton handbags replicabags replicaable…”

I like the way they use artistic licence with the structuring of words. You’d almost think it was just mangled gibberish.

“The Solo is actually deemed the state PC casino headset about MLG (Significant League Game playing).”

There’s only one Solo, friend. And his name is Han. He doesn’t have time to play games!

“Where are you from? [Link to website with “nofollow” tag, completely making the act of placing a link pointless in SEO terms] generic levitra providers medication calendar review, Verbally present a medication history/bottle review,”

Thought provoking. Makes us ask where are we from? I also like the allusion to history and bottle being one and the same, as if our personal histories are enclosed experiences. “Generic levitra”, incidentally, refers to pills that prolong erections. I’m not sure what metaphor they’re going for but I’m sure it involves “rising” in some manner (insert obligatory Tom Hardy Bane joke here).

“There are certainly loads of particulars like that to take into consideration. That could be a great level to convey up. I supply the thoughts above as normal inspiration however clearly there are questions just like the one you carry up the place the most important thing will likely be working in trustworthy good faith. I don?t know if finest practices have emerged around issues like that, however I’m certain that your job is clearly identified as a good game. Both girls and boys really feel the influence of only a moment’s pleasure, for the remainder of their lives.”

Hey pal, I take my job seriously – it’s not just some “good game”! I actually think this guy’s a bit pretentious with phrases like “supply the thoughts above as normal inspiration”, but that last line touched some heartstrings. Both girls and boys can feel the influence of a moment’s pleasure for the remainder of their lives…I believe it’s called “having accidental kids”.

“totally we dispatch not really enthusiasm to sound dashing but if you commit contrivance leverage the hands of squarepegweb, we would create forceful faultless the extreme needs are met again you relax knowing readymade online larder for you to coin your selling.Squarepegweb may be a collaborative band that ended up being current by framework experts go underground facility once more juncture.The duty sway primitive squarepegweb has not been to metamorphose the most significant fretwork design van but to support office a cart that importance nail down streak collaboration at an affordable price squirrel unmatched buyer hand [Link to some trainers] also imitate live to complete the beyond compare successful customized designs since clients.We manage whopper bonanza hold longish a go-Getter electricity rejoice in yours besides we depend on that your website is single of one’s priorities.”

I regularly dispatch enthusiasm to sound dashing, especially when readymade online larders are involved! I’m also interested with affordable price squirrels, whopper bonanzas and go-Getter electricity.

“Lewis Carroll is fiction, right?When i asked the president, can you kill an american on american soil, it should have been an easy answer.It’s an easy question.It should have been a resounding and unequivocal,”No. “The president’s response?He hasn’t killed anyone yet.We’re supposed to be comforted by that.”

Ah, the age-old question. Is Lewis Carroll fiction? I mean, he’s got a Wikipedia page and the spammer/poet probably meant he wrote fiction, but did he ever actually exist or was he a fiction? No, he was real. I’m actually comforted in the knowledge that the President hasn’t killed anyone! Also, look at you, name-dropping your conversation with the President! Ooooh!

“Yes, in the face to his injury, they are generally difficult to explain.But you should know, abhorrence a getting charge to absorb effort, a person’s activity is limited, how will the bound activity to extraneous person?If this is an annual balance, i accept you should understand, let anyone abroad is aswell to let go of their own.”

…You’ve lost me there. Sounds pretty, though.

That’s all for now, folks.

Post by Sean Patrick Payne+ | January 24, 2013 at 8:38 pm | Spammers, Technology | 4 comments

Tags: poetry, search engine optimisation, spam, spambots