The Hungry Games

There’s a chap called Brant Steele who made a Hunger Games simulator¹. You can play it at http://brantsteele.net/hungergames.

I’ve seen a fair few runs of the simulator crop up on Tumblr (the one with Sonic the Hedgehog characters comes to mind) and I fancied a crack at it myself. I picked a random collection of my favourite characters from across my lifetime – from when I was a wee tot up to now where I’m an oversized manchild.

Who will live? Who will die? Who gets the prize? Is there a prize? Let’s find out!

The Teams

District 1: Young Childhood

District 1 comprises of two franchises I adored as a wee kiddywink; Postman Pat and Thomas the Tank Engine. While Thomas the train has brute strength and can easily crush opponents, he has the disadvantage of being stuck on rails. Pat is a badass as Greendale would be up shit creek without a paddle if he ever left the town.

District 2: Childhood

Representing my childhood fascination with British comics and animation, Dennis the Menace and Wallace step up to the plate. Dennis is going to have to carry his partner as Wallace is clearly a moron who doesn’t even realise that his dog does everything for him.

District 3: Video Game Detectives

I’ve always loved mystery games or games that have you take on the role of a detective. Both detectives know their way around a gun – while Max is practically a one-man army who can tap into Bullet Time², York is slightly psychic and has nightmarish visions that help him solve crimes. Quite how that latter ability is useful in a game of survival is yet to be seen.

District 4: Batmen

Batman is obviously on the roster, so to handicap the Dark Knight I’ve teamed him up with the “Bright Knight” himself, Adam West’s Batman from 1966! I love all versions of Batman but the 1966 holds a special place in my heart as the satellite channel TCC used to show reruns of it all the time.

District 5: Jim Carrey

I was of that age in the 90’s where all kids loved Jim Carrey films. Ace Ventura is probably in my top 10 all-time favourite films. While I don’t like the film version of the Mask all that much, I did go through a phase of collecting the figures around the time the cartoon series was on. The Mask could potentially have an advantage being a “living cartoon”, but Ace is not to be underestimated!

District 6: Film Detectives

Continuing the detective theme, I’ve gained a fascination for Philip Marlowe within the last ten years. The sarcastic hard-boiled P.I. with a heart of gold (and ethics of steel) ranks highly for me and his stories are timeless. Unfortunately for Marlowe I’ve saddled him with the least competent detective of all time, (Chief) Inspector Clouseau of the Pink Panther films! That being said, Clouseau seems to create his own luck as bad things happen to people around him, which might prove useful!

District 7: Disney

A tenuous link admittedly, but (Captain) Jack Sparrow and Woody are probably amongst my favourite Disney characters. The charming rogue and the stressed little wooden toy are an odd combination, but they deserve a place here in this tournament of champions as I have always loved their films to bits.

District 8: PSX Super Spies

I remember a “golden age” on the Sony PlayStation. It’s probably nostalgia but there was an influx of stealth games around 1999. Metal Gear Solid is obviously the champion but I’d contest that, back in the day, Syphon Filter was just as good a series if not slightly better! Gabe Logan has always been described as a “poor man’s Solid Snake” so I’ve teamed him up with Snake so he can prove his worth!

District 9: The Gentlemen

A bit of an odd title for this team but it’s the one thing they have in common. Everyone knows who James Bond is but Lupin III is a little more obscure. Created by manga artist Monkey Punch a few decades back as a tribute to Bond, Lupin is the great grandson of gentleman thief Arsene Lupin³ and is himself a gentleman thief. Both were franchises I began following during my teens.

District 10: Discworld Detectives

For anyone who remotely knows anything about Discworld, Commander Sam Vimes (His Grace the Duke of Ankh) of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch is masculinity incarnate. A quick thinker, a cynic but most of all a humanitarian, Vimes has survived everything the Disc has thrown at him. I genuinely consider him one of the strongest players on the field and can only wonder who would genuinely win in a fight between him and Batman⁴. Lewton’s only appearance is in the non-canonical video game Discworld Noir, but it’s my all-time favourite video game so that’s why he’s netted a place on the team. Spoilers (highlight to see): Lewton gets turned into a werewolf during DWN, so I’m going under the assumption that Lewton is a werewolf during the tournament…which would give him an advantage!

District 11: Will Smith

I know it seems in vogue to discredit Will Smith as being a 90’s icon who is increasingly irrelevant, but I was a child of the 90’s so he will always be cool to me. Agent J from classic film Men in Black makes it on to the roster and I’ve teamed him up with Federal Agent Jim West from the often-maligned Wild Wild West…which is another film probably in my top 1o or 20 list. Look, I just like the steampunk aesthetic and think it’s a pretty cool film, okay?

District 12: Sonic the Hedgehog

Around the time I was watching episodes of Dennis the Menace and the 1966 Batman series, Sonic had two TV shows and several excellent platform games on the Mega Drive. I was a SEGA fanboy and I still am, so this roster wouldn’t be complete without Sonic the Hedgehog and his little buddy Miles “Tails” Prower.

Commence battle!

“The bloodbath” rather anticlimactically featured no deaths, with all the characters running for cover (or, in Thomas’ case, speeding away wherever the track takes him).

Analysis:

• Vimes, being of sound mind when it comes to his own self-defence, grabs a trident. Good man!
• I’m surprised that Lupin gave up on fighting over a bag, I guess he’s planning to come back and steal it later?
• Special agent Gabe Logan, when confronted with a human cartoon, rightfully breaks off the encounter and retreats. I suspect the Mask did that weird googly-eye thing he does.
• I love the idea of two cowboys and a secret agent working together, especially when one of the cowboys is 30cms tall and made of wood.
• Adam West and Clouseau make off with throwing knives and a lighter / some rope respectively. I’m impressed that some of the least likely survivors have grabbed such useful items.

Analysis:

• Really harsh of the Inspector to steal supplies from a poor defenceless toy!
• York searches for a water source, which likely entails him going to his psychic world and shooting zombies for half an hour (it’s complicated).
• The Mask leaps into a comedy routine where he pretends to beg for death. Adam West, not having the same sense of humour, completely misunderstands and kills the Mask. This is quite an achievement considering that the Mask had invulnerable demi-godlike powers and is basically a living cartoon, but then Adam West is Batman. Perhaps he had some anti-Mask repellent in his utility belt.
• Unusual for the “hedgehog with attitude” to give up so easily, not so unusual for Captain Jack Sparrow to be so “hands-off” when it comes to killing.
• Dennis spends the day “helping” Lewton which probably means being a damn nuisance the entire day by playing pranks on the surly private investigator.
• Jim West harkens back to his roots of being raised by native Americans by opting for a bow and arrow. Unfortunately he’s used to using guns, so when Max slow-dives out of the way Tails gets an arrow right between the eyes.
• Marlowe scares Thomas off – he does have a history of snapping at people and I can’t imagine it takes a lot to scare off a train with the mind of a seven year old.
• I don’t know why Lupin is chasing Ace – the pair are just as wacky as each other (maybe it’s a conflict of similar personalities?). In my head the whole thing plays out like the blow-dart scene from Ace Ventura 2⁵.
• Batman begs for death from Vimes. Both are humanitarians and pacifists at heart, yet both have the potential to do the most damage. This gesture from Batman is presumably because he realises what he can be capable of and worries about his “no-killing” policy being broken. Not believing in pointless death and how capable a man dressed as a bat can be, Vimes spares him. This may come back to bite him…
• Postman Pat is a legend. For a guy whose job is delivering mail, he now works for a private courier service (the Special Delivery Service) and regularly flies helicopters, drives big vans and generally saves the day. Greendale would be fecked without him sorting everything out. Bond, being a massive prick with an inferiority complex, immediately takes out the first person he considers to be an equal, possibly using a grenade pen to sign for a package Pat is trying to deliver to him.
• Wallace searches for firewood. Presumably they are in a forest and yet I wouldn’t trust him to see the wood for the trees (literally).

Analysis:

• Adam West and York hold hands, which sounds silly but York might be trying to make a psychic connection while West just wants to reassure York. Either than or we have the most random coupling ever…I’m looking forward to that York X Adam West slash fiction!</sarcasm>
• Ace didn’t really have a chance against Sonic – the pet detective is used to dealing with real animals, not furries!
• I find the idea of Lewton and Woody waxing lyrical to be charming. I could see a resident of a magical land like Discworld to be undeterred by a living toy, but mostly I have a line in my head from Discworld Noir where he looks down at a small creature and says “Well what’s your name little fellow?”.
• Snake thinking about home is a curious one as he’s a bit of a nomad. The closest thing he probably ever had was a shack out in Alaska where he kept dogs.
• I want to be around the campfire where Vimes attempts conversation with two complete idiots. Saying that, they are probably no worse than dealing with some of his regular employees (Corporal Nobby Nobbs and Sergeant Fred Colon come to mind!).
• It would take someone as charismatic as Will Smith to get the icons of masculinity Batman and Bond to sing!
• Marlowe, freaked out by a talking, living train, destroys Thomas’ supplies (I guess his coal supply maybe?).

Analysis:

• By this point most of the contestants are hunting for food or resources.
• Thomas crucially receives some fresh water – quite important for a steam train, I guess?
• The image of hardened cowboy Jim West asking a small toy cowboy to kill him strikes me as being hilarious. What’s Woody going to do, strangle the man with his pull cord?
• Wallace “attacks” Batman, which I assume means he set up some sort of ingenious Rube-Goldberg net trap which Batman easily escaped.
• Having confronted the hedgehog (with attitude) before, Ace knows to get the heck out of there when Sonic turns up again! Props to him for escaping the fastest thing alive.

Having been a fairly quiet event so far, the event organisers get fed up and fill the arena with monkey mutts. Not being familiar with the Hunger Games, I had to look up what a monkey mutt is. As far as I can tell the organisers have basically filled the arena with crazed, rabid baboons. What follows is utter carnage as the arena becomes a slaughterhouse.

Analysis:

• All of the least-able combatants cop it under the avalanche of clawing, biting and tearing creatures. Jack Sparrow, Wallace and Dennis the Menace have no chance whatsoever and go down with little fight in them.
• Woody the toy somehow dies from “internal bleeding”, which is creepy because he’s made of wood and shouldn’t have any blood in him (tree sap?). At worst he’s pulled to bits and scattered, left to an eternity of being alive and yet unable to move in bits.
• Thomas the train also dies from “internal bleeding”, which probably means the monkeys pulled the wrong pipes loose and his boiler exploded.
• Some of the more able combatants also get killed – Solid Snake, Francis York Morgan and Agent J are fine with dealing with giant robot mechs, ghostly apparitions and illegal aliens respectively but when presented with a pack of enraged monkeys they are apparently useless.
• Jim West the federal agent clumsily gets himself and James Bond killed, which is surely just karma given Bond’s execution of Postman Pat at the beginning. Both Will Smiths have now died, implying that Will Smith’s Achilles’ heel is batshit crazy rabid monkeys.
• Adam West pulls off the awesomely badass move of not only catching super slippery thief Lupin III, but sees to it that the criminal mastermind gets his just desserts – it’s a fairly ironic death considering that Lupin himself is often compared to resembling a monkey of some sort.
• Commander Sam Vimes is a veteran combatant and has no qualms about using the living mass of blue spikes calling itself “Sonic” as a weapon against the monkeys.

Analysis:

• The two hard-boiled detectives finally sit down and have a chat with each other, having a lot in common.
• I can’t imagine Vimes asking anyone other than his wife to “snuggle”, but a head wound could be causing him to be not his usual gruff self and a little bit out-of-character.
• Batman once again asks a hardened man to kill him, having already seen too much bloodshed. Logan refuses, but he probably shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth…
• I wouldn’t want Ace Ventura anywhere near my wounds, so I guess Max is desperate!

Analysis:

• So far the clear survivors have been Adam West and Sam Vimes, both having survived the onslaught of crazed baboons by using human shields. Quite why (or even how) Adam West killed Vimes is left to speculation, but I could imagine Vimes’ frank manner of talking not gelling well with West’s honest optimism. Perhaps Vimes lit up a cigarette and, in the act of attempting to swat it out (because smoking is bad) with the first thing to hand, Adam West accidentally smashed Vimes’ face in with a mace. I’m not going to argue. Vimes is a legendary hero, but you don’t mess with Batman or Adam West, let alone Adam West as Batman.
• Clouseau really shouldn’t argue with a werewolf over raw meat!
• Max Payne and Batman, being solitary creatures at heart, decide not to risk it at the feast.

Analysis:

• Marlowe’s always been a bit of a smooth-talker, so it’s no surprise that he could divert a hardened agent like Gabe Logan’s attention away from him.
• Ace is used to dealing with animals, sure, but is completely out of his depth when it comes to werewolves.
• Batman is beginning to take the event seriously…

Analysis:

• I have to assume Ace managed to convince the two grizzled detectives to sing along. Either way, I can only imagine what a din the resulting sound would be like (Jim Carrey and James McCaffrey and Rob Brydon singing together?).
• Clouseau and Logan sleep in shifts which really means that Clouseau comically keeps falling asleep in some extended sequence of trying to keep himself awake.

Analysis:

• Got to love the world’s greatest detective and the world’s worst detective teaming up to find resources.

Analysis:

• Max hums to himself…I wonder what tune he’d hum…
• Regular Batman finally makes his move, unceremoniously detonating Philip Marlowe, Gabe Logan and his “white knight” counterpart. It’s a move that makes sense; Marlowe’s a pretty good detective (and handy in a fist fight), Logan’s a competent combatant and, teamed with Adam West, they would have no problems at all dealing with the Batman. Although Batman uses explosive gel a lot in the video games to incapacitate enemies, this does seem a little out of character.
• Lewton, the other private detective in the fight, finally dies from an infection. His supernatural werewolf abilities apparently aren’t enough to save him.

Analysis:

• Ace may have discovered a cave, but if there’s any chance of there being bats in there he ain’t going in!
• There’s no way in hell Clouseau intentionally pushed Max Payne off of a cliff. More likely Max was diving at him with a knife, Clouseau fell over in a comical fashion and Max sailed over him down the side of a cliff. Maybe Clouseau went to tie his shoelaces and accidentally bumped Max off the cliff as he was sneaking up from behind.

We’re down to three very strange, very different detectives at this point and they don’t seem too worried about fighting each other!

Analysis:

• The two lesser detectives comfort each other…
• …while Batman sleeps alone. I suspect he’s gone a bit loopy from killing all those people.

Analysis:

• Poisoning people isn’t really Batman’s M.O. It’s at this point I’m beginning to suspect that the Batman we’ve invited is actually Frank Miller’s Batman. Either way, I’m sure that Ace’s gruesome poisoning looked funny as hell given his propensity for wacky facial expressions.

This is it, we’re down to a fight between the world’s greatest detective and the world’s worst detective! Will Clouseau pull out some sort of pratfall and accidentally kill Batman?

Holy shit. Well, that’s definitely Frank Miller Batman. I almost feel sorry for Clouseau, I’m not really sure he deserved that!

To nobody’s surprise whatsoever, Batman comes out on top in this deathmatch. It’s a little bit anticlimactic, really.

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Post by Sean Patrick Payne+ | January 21, 2017 at 12:00 am | Batman, Characters, Death Battle!, James Bond | No comment

Tags: 007, 1966 TV Batman, Ace Ventura, Adam West, Agent J, Batman, Captain Jack Sparrow, Commander Sam Vimes, Deadly Premonition, Dennis the Menace, Detective Francis York Morgan, detectives, Discworld, Discworld Noir, Gabe Logan, Inspector Clouseau, James Bond, Jim Carrey, Jim West, Lupin III, Max Payne, Men In Black, Metal Gear Solid, MGS, Philip Marlowe, Pirates of the Caribbean, Postman Pat, Solid Snake, Sonic the Hedgehog, Syphon Filter, Tails, The Mask, The Pink Panther, Thomas the Tank Engine, Toy Story, Wallace and Gromit, Wild Wild West, Will Smith, Woody